I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
