you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
