I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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