I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
