her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize