I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
