Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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