So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
