Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
