I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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