I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
