I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
