Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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