You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
