My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
