he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he thought i was a dude.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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