I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
