I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
