my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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