Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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