If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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