i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
