he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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