6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
