We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
