I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
