Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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