After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
