Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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