Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
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