he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
