just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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