If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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