Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
