Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Nobody cheats on THIS.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
