Apparently you make a good broom.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
