And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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