The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
