dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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