We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
