A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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