Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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