Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
