Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
These tits shall not be calmed
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
