She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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