I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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