I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
