the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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