Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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