I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
