i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
