Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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